Sexuality and Death

Ok to see where i’m coming from with this post i’ll kick off with:

posted thread: 20th jun 12 to forum/general discussion/ thread by token post by HB (animalbeing)

link to thread http://www.aneros.com/forum/showthread.php?14018-brainsync-com

THREAD TOPIC: BRAINSYNC.COM

token:
hi all

after reading a few posts on the forum recently i have been hearing more and more about brainsync and kelly howell so i decided to give it a try i
downloaded Awakening Kundalini and i have to say it was amazing i didnt think thing could get any better but this took me to a whole new level
and i would recommend it to anyone and i was just wondering if anyone could recommend any other sessions/programs that work well with
aneros thanks in advance

token

forum_jedi:
What are the best tone frequencies to work with for aneros sessions? Alpha, beta, theta…?

HB (animalbeing):
theta i think… and a good recomendation is kelly howells the secret, it’s an hour long and i listened to it for the first time last night, and only
about 20 mins of it due to ear bud issues. actually i should say it was this morning i listened since i’ve been sleeping during the day… and i’ve
been asleep from about 6’30 til 18:00, yup i needed some sleep, i’ve not been awake long, counting in sleeping/dreaming sporadic awake
periods, aware sleep periods, lucid dreaming periods and awake periods, its been a rollercoaster, both good and emotionally bad, but only
because i have become aware of an emotional blockage that need dealing with, very good transformation stuff. amazing sensations came up.
even just starting up and listening to the cd… thats the quickest and least effort i’ve ever put into getting into a meditative state.

HB

—

So. My english teacher always said never start writing a piece with the word so, (sticks tongue out.) Gooo!! I’m a rebel.

Let me now recount to you what actually happened in story format. It’s pretty cool. It includes the best things… romance, intrigue, sex and
death. I may just end up writing a new best seller, (jokes.)

I laid down at about 6:30 this morning. I’m unaware of the exact time. I’d just pressed play on my laptop for Kelly Howells: The Secret .mp3. I
hear a rushing sound with an underlying tone… this includes theta wave recorded to sympathetically resonate your body and mind with this
wave. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neural_oscillation… american womans voice, not too distracting, (I am English.) She tells me truths in my ears
with a soothing voice. I am calm and relaxed.

Not 30 seconds in and I am floating, expanded in a state that can be reached during meditation. This was through no effort on my part. I can
feel the familiar pleasurable experience of energy moving in and through me. I don’t focus or listen to the words, just letting them wash over me
like waves to a beach. The track is designed for you to be able to fall asleep to. If you are asleep the better. Let me just say i was very surprised
at the affectiveness of this CD.

At some point I was aware that I was not going to be able to fall asleep and tried to figure the problem… not me i’m tired and ready. Then it
occured to me the harsh sibilances from the spoken words were very prominent, due to my earphones having a peak in the 2-8k range. Nothing
to do with the recorded track which is of very high quality. I doubted equalizing it through my media player would help much. Would just screw
the track up due to having little control with only a few bands of eq. so i decided to call it off and stopped it playing.I think I may need some new
buds.

I fell asleep with the words rumbling around in my head and seemingly reaching the deeper reccesses of my mind, very much still floating and
feeling genuinly at peace.

Now I remember having some ‘awake’ like periods, but still very much asleep. Still floating. Some unconsciousness and then I entered a vivid
dream… a dream full of possibilities and laced with positivity and healing. Somewhere I was aware I was dreaming, but very much lending and
letting go to the experience of whatever happens. I didn’t hear so much that this was different than any other of my usual dreams more a very
quiet whisper.

I was with a girl. This girl really fancied me and I her. I remember us getting a bit hot together (ok i used my tongue in trooper fashion.) We had
some sort of a relationship going and we talked. It turned out she had to go away to college or something like that and her parents wanted to
keep us apart. We knew we wouldn’t be seeing eachother for a while. So I proposed a solution. I would move away. Where I would be moving
to happend to be my origanal home town, i was born and raised there, most of my family are there. She would skip out and move there with me
after a year… all so we could get away from an impossible situation.

Next scene i’m walking through a railway station and it’s very big. Not at all like the one in my town. It had high cielings and red bricked walls
everywhere and some very cold white walls with corridors a plenty and big stairs and routes to different platforms. Lots to take in, a feast for the
eyes. People sporadicaly placed coming and going about in the bustle of thier everyday existence. The air around me feels charged and I can
feel the motion of life. I buy my tickets with what money I have. Which is just enough for the ticket. I have nothing with me. I’m giving up every
material possesion for this ticket. I was still sure I was going to get on this train to move away.

I walk around for a little while soaking in the atmosphere. I then go for my train and take a walk round the stairs. Finally my train pulls up. I walk
right up to the train entrance door, but something stops me from getting on. I make a mental check and thoughts rush into my head. I will have
no where to sleep, I have family but none i could stay with. This doesn’t worry me too much to stop me getting on. I will have no money, getting
work will not be an easy endeavor. This doesn’t worry me too much to stop me getting on. When a man needs to be resourceful, even on the
streets he can be, been there before I know how it feels. I have no clothes and no support network. i have no forseeable way to get acces to
anything i need straightaway. I have no phone. Still this does not worry me too much to stop me getting on. I thought I was going to get on this
train.

Then I ask myself the reason i’m getting on this train. The first thought that popped into my head was for love. Something didn’t feel right
immediatly… I was lying to myself. I thought about it again and mentally checked myself to be brutally honest. This would affect my life after all. I
enjoyed the sexual contact. The banter and fun of being with her, but i didn’t love her. I didn’t even know her. The real reason for wanting to get
on this train the became apparent as if exploding from the mist of my negative emotional influenced thought patterns. It was just because
because I needed to be with somebody because I wasn’t truly content.

I realised I have everything i’ll ever need. I was truly content… turning away from the train was the easiest decision. We may never be together,
but it didn’t matter. I was happy and floating again, finding out i was powerfull beyond my illusory limititions. Freeing myself from attachment.

I’m walking around again now with no particular place to go. I suppose maybe somewhere to sit and take everything in, enjoying the vivid
imagary around me as i’m going along.

I see one guy walking towards me as i’m going along. He starts calling me horrible names and generally being a bully, jibing at something that I
usualy have a sensitivity about, but didn’t at this point as there was no need. I surprised myself not by what i did, because i think i would do it
nowadays anyway, but because i was doing it from a place of mental clarity. I naivly thought before that the appropriate response would be just
to walk on. Instead I told him “fuck off you prick!” and he said “ok dude chill.”

Then I walked around some more in a chilled out state. I had a feeling in the reccesses of my mind something big with a capital B was coming
though i wasn’t all that aware of it at the time. The scenery around this station in the places I walked started changing. Where once before it
was red brick, white walls and wide spaces. It was now corridors much smaller with lots of silver chome metal and glass allowing you to see into
the next rooms or corridors. All vivid. I could still even recall every space if I felt like it.

There was this one room I felt like I should walk into. It had a tiolet in it. I closed the glass doors behind me. It was like a double door. It was
really quite small. I could touch either wall at arm span. It was in a sqaure like configuration, taller that it was wide. It had metal grill floors. All the
walls were glass and I could see down right through the metal grills into the bustle way below me that was something like the station foyer. The
glass walls were held in place by yet more metal and split down the middle by metal.I remained there, not knowing why I should be there, but I
was still in the state that I was going to give over willingly to whatever happend and accept it.

The room started moving, it had detached from the platform from where it once was. I looked up and the room was being moved laterally. From
the ceiling there was an metal arm attached to a kind of pulley system with big cables. At this point my psyches pushing me further into this
dream state and i’m becoming less lucid, but the vivid intensity still remains.

This lift mechanism went all around this station that had now become a sort of complex of glass and metal. It smashed a vending machine to
pieces and through a glass wall. I was then in a very big wide open space. I was very high up. I was moving out towards the middle of this place,
don’t know what it was, but it was very vivid.

I looked up and saw thick black electrical cables. The arm was going to go straight through them. It meant i was going to die. I’d lost my lucidity
now. Things were getting intense, to my conscoius mind this was a real happening. I was getting closer. There was no way this was going to
stop. I was going to die.

I let it sink in. I would have elecricity running through my body untill it could sustian my inner essence no more. this was going to be an extremely
intense experience.

I spread my arms out to grab hold of the metal on either side of me, put my head down and my legs together. It seemed natural. It reminded me
of a person who was once in the same position. Time seemed to go on forever, but it was in reality only a short time.

Then I heard the cables gathering tension on the arm and then building. Inside me I seemed to have a reflection of this. I heard cables snap
one by one and then a pause of silence hanging in the air so viscerally one might think you would have been able to touch it. Just when i
thought i was out of the woods. That i might not be electrocuted at all. IT HIT ME! The intensity did not not disapoint. I was having a CRAZY
MASSIVE current running through my whole body. In my minds eye the whole of my insides were melting. I could feel all my muscles
contracting in agony. My conciousness was on fire, it was being burned away. The ashes were to float away to be forgotten forever. I could feel
it dimming. The extreme sensation around my whole body was taking my conscoiusness over, it was all i could be aware of. Nothing meant
anything any more. Only this. It continued.

I was no more.

I then came to. I think i’m dead at first. My eyes open and I see the same scene before me and confusion sets in. I’m still alive after that? How
could this be? I’m HIT AGAIN! I think for sure i’m going to decease this time. I’m hit with the same intensity. I float away again in this and again
i’m alive. Now infact i’m very alive! I realise that this is a dream again, but this doesn’t get rid of the confusion. It changes quality. If i’m dreaming
how is it that i’m feeling such wildly unimaginable sensations? Pain in dreams even when percieved from something like getting your arm
chopped off is only a poor ghost sensation compared with real pain.

Then things start falling into place, I was right about what I thought, that this wasn’t possible in a dream, (pain to this magnitude.) Then I
realised that it didn’t feel classicly painfull at all. There was only one other thing that could it could be to cause suc an explosive rush of
sensation to a herculean strenghth such as this… orgasmic energy and it was real. It didn’t matter whether I was awake or not. This was as real
as it could get.

I must have been hit about four times after that and revelled in it before I woke up feeling extremely happy. It really didn’t matter that i was asleep for this, i would
be just as happy having an MMO session asleep as i would be awake.

One of my first thoughts is that I had to write this experience down and so have.

—

Coming from the Buddhist perspective, that i agree with. Attachment brings suffering. When you die you cannot take anything with you. You
have to leave absolutely everything behind. Thus if you attached you will suffer. Life and death are not two separate entities. If life is sex/mating
coming from even a Moleculer/Energy Shiva/Shakti level then it is also death. The birth of one state for the death of another. They are more like
the same sides of one coin. If you want another perspective read upon quantum theory and shrodingers cat.

I am here now in my room writing this. I could die at any moment. If were to stay in my room for an hour and you were to suppose whether I was
alive or dead in an hours time. How could you tell? I could be said to be both alive and dead. Because I was born from sex I will also die, there
isn’t one without the other.

—

Now we are out of the context of the story I feel I can expand a bit on it and put some of my thoughts down on the whole experience. That I
hope will lead other people to a deeper realisation of thier own nature. This will come in a later post.

I hope you enjoyed this.

Feel free to discuss any of this with me… HB

Thoughts On Rewiring. (Part P Certified.)

A couple of things have changed so far since my last post.

First thing that has changed, I’ve discovered spell checker… and I don’t like it.

It keeps telling me I’m wrong!! but for interest in readability I may just stick with it.

P wave (Pleasure wave)

Another thing that has changed is that i’m now getting P waves pretty consistently during ‘less sessions and not just shakin’, spasms and the like. Real P waves that are all encompassing.

I’m interested in the rewiring process because it seems to really be as individual as our own fingerprints, whatever we are already wired for seems to be expanded upon… I have heard the Aneros to be called an arousal amplifier, it does much more than this i think. like a sort of snowball analogy. These pleasure waves are created purely in my head, i’m  thinking about the implications this could have for the future and how i could use this to my benifit.

The reason I caught on to this topic is because over the last couple of day I’ve had two times where no will or intention was exerted yet pleasure waves were created, not entirely new, but were related to music in a profound way to me.

The first wave came about as i was listening to Cream on my stereo. I’d been enjoying very mild p waves. then came the hook, or drop, or whatever you’d like to call it. I was psychophysically dragged along with it.

The hooks building up! I’m feeling a bit light, it’s half a bar from it’s resolution. I’m feeling a rushing in my head, the music seems to swell in my mind, closer now to the fully resounding root note. my mind blanks and all that is there is the waves of sound. I am a huge medley of people. All come together at a party. Screaming wildly at the heavy bass laden drop of a rave scene dance anthem. Condensing every ones feeling of pure pleasure at its fortitude into my tiny constricted mind. I’m the wall of sound, I’m consciences expanded, I’m resonating. My mind has more of a response spectrum than the speakers. Equalising to the perfect brain wave state. The resolution sounds and I’m thrown back into the the seat of a roadster accelerating from 0-60 in seconds. I’m dragged out to sea, in a swell of a tide it reaches it logical conclusion along with the music I’m listening to.

I’m fine at a halt, just thinking what just happened there? I didn’t ask for it, it seems my mind just has a deep ingrained recognition of effects and intention. At a natural level i think the rewiring isn’t just for orgasms but for a greater capacity to enjoy pleasure in general… music has always brought me pleasure, my mind and relationship with music have always been interdependent. Ever since I was a child music brings me memories and attachments.

I hope for this journey to keep evolving in such ways. I have always found great pleasure in playing the drums, this relies on ‘feel’ for me as much as anything. I feel again a pleasure wave, at a relaxed passage, this time no big wave… my mind blanks and I’m at a beautiful oasis in a desert, I’m not aware of any sound as a bird flies overhead. Pleasure at the freedom. I come back down, the music slowly comes back to me echoing my intimate thoughts and ‘playing me’… just how it knew?

I can’t wait to start writing music again. Think I will have a much more sensitive approach to it now.

I leave you this time with a quote. Thank you to Isvara for giving this to me. I will tend to my new vision carefully.

A quote from DH lawrence:
The world fears a new experience
more than it fears anything.
Because a new experience displaces
so many old experiences.
The world doesn’t fear a new idea.
It can pigeon-hole a new idea.
But it can’t pigeon-hole
a real new experience.

My First Post!

ok so after being told it was a good idea to start this blog. i got a good idea… to start this blog!

i’m inviting you to take a moment to relax and ride this coaster-roller with me. with each of it’s wildly varied, pleasurable awe inspiring, ever changing twists and turns through this life.

it’s intersesting as i’m writing this down, on the tellybox is bob dylans, the times are a changin. i don’t know what you would call this in the context of what has happend so far, coincidence? maybe… if any body has any other ideas or can put a name or rhyme or reason. twould be much obiged.

in this blog i feel that i will be paying no attention what so ever to grammar, punctuation or spelling, i may muse alot, go off topic (the foo fighters echoes, silence patience and grace album is pretty good) and go into to maybe what may seem as too much detail. the way i will sort this out i think will be to balance things out with a joke or funnies. it’s now it’s 99 luftbulloons on the telly.

i believe this blog will be for good, two heads are better than one. or rather thousands of heads that make up this aneros comunity are better than just my head, thats part of the reason why i’m setting down to do this, it’s the combined wisdom and perpetual knowledge gathering and linking that will evolve out knowledge further of such great phenomenon.

my time lines of information recorded digitally and in my head are all over the place so will take some piecing together, i will try and put together any, and i mean ANY information at all that i think may be relevent and that speaks to me and to the whole aneros/tantra experience, however small or trivial… and ask questions, maybe not directed to any particular goal other than to just have the questions that may achieve a particular goal.

i am one man, take my imparted words as you see fit, take what you will and use it however you wish, critique me, ask questions, give me food for thought, put your own questions upon me whatever they may be… i’m will be here for an intellectual discussion, or even a not so intellectual one… or to just crack funnies. i REALLY don’t mind cracking funnies.

now without much further ado ado ado ado. comes the experience that shot this journey off, without getting into too much philosophy/theory of the universe etc this is ultimatly why i am writing this at this very moment (01:48am 3rd of march 2012)

posted thread: 11th feb 12 to forum/general discussion by HB

link (includes replies) http://www.aneros.com/forum/f5/help-shed-light-16330/

help to shed light
I drafted this yesterday and I can now only just believe that what I wrote is true, must’ve been I think lol
I have just condensed it a bit, grammatical errors and the like and turning very rough into this.

First I’d like to say that i’m very thankfull that I have found this forum, other wise i woud not have anyone else I feel, to relate upon my experiences.

A bit of backround about me and how I got into this; (a bit i like reading in other peoples posts)

I am twentytwo years old and untill recently I could not imagine ever putting down into words what I am going to in this post, I was a full blooded male, not at all in touch with who I was as a person, closed off. I’m the same person but changed, I found out that I can feel freely.

I found out about the Aneros about a year ago, I have a sort of addiction to Wikipedia, I can go on wiki binges for hours, I like learning about things… I started to get interested in the male g-spot and thought about buying an Aneros and never did till today, (should arrive tommorow.)

Things in me started changing the other day. I was reading the advanced skills section on Aneros Wiki (thankgod for these people, YOU people for that site and this forum and I would like to say thankyou linghaman for linghamans log,) the part about Aneros-less MMO I sortoff tried the technique described there though not in full and i started to experience the kind off butterflies in the stomach feeling though lower down and somewhat duller and deeper just as it describes, though I only just felt something, it was definatly perceptible. Anyway I stopped my little exercise there and continued with other things, most notably read some of your forum posts and linghamans log.

Quite rudely I then got a call to go into work. I did not want to got into work for 12 hours for I hadn’t slept for a good while, but need money just like everyone else, so went in.

I got showered and changed, went to work just thinking that tonight was gonna be just like any other night (I hope I’ve now aroused your curiosity a bit?) Signed and clocked in and started picking.

A few hours in I started getting this gnawing feeling tugging at me that something was a little different. I could not for the life of me place it, and just thought well it’s just a pretty o.k night thats all. This feeling occasionally happens to me and these kind of nights/days I just seem to remember more. Kind of a surreal feeling. Everything felt a bit surreal. I felt a bit more aware. Colours seem a just little brighter with just slightest more hue, sounds seem to expound upon my conciesness with a just a little more force. I have felt this before on a good few occasions, but not for a looong time. The times i have felt it, it was just natural i took no heed of it. Those times I just enjoyed it for what it was. It got me to wondering what causes this and why (whats so different about tonight?) I think the only reason i noticed it was because i hadn’t felt this in along time, I felt a little more content.

I slowly become aware of something that WAS different. I’d got that butterfly feeling low in my tummy again and it just kept on persisting to the point that i was getting a bit distracted by it. I could not stop myself being aware aware of it. I wasn’t sure at the the time if this surreal feeling was emmanating from this. It felt about right, though i have learnt that making these kind of assumptions can turn out to be false logic. I realised that i have felt this many times before, now that I was aware of it, i could not stop being aware. I thought back to the wiki post and to this forum and linghamans log and all the stuff i’d been reading about. I was kind of enjoying my work, it did not seem in the least mundane as it usually does, this feeling put a kind of exitement in me.

I didn’t know how to turn this feeling off. I kind of wanted to as it was all i was focusing on and thinking about,

At some point I wound up standind at the wrapping machine, thinking to myself “lets try a little experiment” not expecting anythingto happen at all.

From now I will try and account to you in as much detail what happend. I’m still trying to fathom it myself and I have many questions of which im sure you guys may be able to help. Though in the same regard many of my questions where answered by my experience though i wasn’t really consciously aware before that i needed answers, i realise now that i really do need answers and that i don’t know everything, far far from it.

I was stood at the wrap machine. I don’t remember using any specific teqhniques, but i do remember excercising a good bit of mental focus. All the information from your output onto the WWW helped, I’m dead sure of this. I thought i’d have a go at escalating this feeling. I closed my eyes and focused on the feeling breathing in, and out each time letting the feeling get more intense, at first there was nothing and then the perception that the feeling was indeed intensifying, albiet very little. Then a little more and i started to feel slight involuntary abdominal contractions and each breath seemed to intensify this feeling a litle. Then i noticed slight anal contractions too, my heart started hammering, and then WHAM, but the sweetest softest pleasure so soft, but intense in rising to its peak it came this wave. This thing. This wave as it came ,was pleasurably agonizing. I had no idea how to deal with it or contain it. My body seemed to have answer as it seemed to inflated and float accomadate it which was a pleasurable feeling in itself. I felt a charge in me at the same time through this. I wanted more and i knew i would get more, right then i was still sensing i was was at work and i got scared that i would not be able to stop it; it would come again only eaisieir and quicker. I new not at all what was waiting for me, but managed to stop it wich i found required focus to go against my minds instincts. This thing died down and left me very happy. In the time of this wave i did get a hardon (I had a big jacket on, no one would notice,) though at the time it didn’t hit my mind that it was anything sexual, just orgasmic.

It did not feel sexual, not in the sense that i’m accustomed to.

I now know that it was but much deeper. the only resemblance at the time to it being anything sexual was that i got an erection. I guess i can say to myself; I have much less of an idea what it all means now, though at the time it seemed plain as day. I feel like im in for a journey of self discovery, i feel at the moment very stupid and that i know nothing. I’ve got the rest of my life to learn. This experience I feel has connected me a tiny bit, like I have a little bit more of the puzzle there.

I was very happy to be a human being, though i didn’t feel particularly worthy of calling myself one before. I wanted to share. To love, to do do the things make us ultimatly human and not just a machine living but ultimatly dying inside. I was confused and in awe had so many questions and felt WOW this is what it means to be human. I still do. I sensed that some where deep inside I had been craving this since i was born, it felt so natural, hardwired into me. I was spontanously laughing more and felt awake. the music on the radio was perceptively more pleasurable to listen to, westlifes version of uptown girl still bugged me, though not nearly as much,

I honestly don’t think that will ever change, if you ever see me dancing and enjoying that song i give you full permission to shoot me.

somebody anywhere please, please explain this to me, I don’t understand what happend. I don’t have clue what the next level would be like and I am looking forward to meeting my SGX in person.

I know on the polls it says the helix is probably best for the the first time buyer, but i thought the SGX might be better because i am very short. Only 5ft tall. This is a reasonable assumption to make?

ADDED TODAY: I have read an experience on the posts by B Mayfield that sounds similar to this and I read also that mental focus is sortof key. I think I know why my mental focus worked for me…

I am a musician, drummer. I practice mental focus alot it’s a part of my key to playing well. I am a good drummer and I can say that without any ego. The ideas on focusing and not forcing and relaxing found on numerous entries here, sound very similar to what i practice when playing drums, i could expand and go into a good bit

more detail, but I found the best way to learn mental focus for playing the drums well was to just practice it.

A more pleasent outlook now and very surprised I’ve had this much succes.

Peace out, Human

Oh and just now I have recieved mt SGX in the post post and opend it up,

Seems kind of small.

————————————————————————————————————

this next piece i am going to add; even though it was written a good bit further down the timeline and much has happend in between i feel that it deserves its place here as it goes over fundamental… well you can read for yourself.

posted thread: 3rd mar 12 to forum/general discussion by HB

link (includes replies) http://www.aneros.com/forum/f5/my-journey-so-far-16363/

my journey so far
i feel i have to pen this post as it seems like the adequete time. i feel this because i think it would be beneficail to me and to other other anearosians (like the term whoever penned that one)

(this would be the follow up if you like from my first post help to shed light)

i came to this conclusion after catologing much information from previous posts, and finding that there is indeed much usefull information there to help guide me on this journey. and i would implore any new user to do the same and read as much information and digest with a frame of spirit that says ‘yeah!’.

the time spent as a part of this comunity has been a rewarding one, and sense positivity from almost all posts. the post that did cause me much discomfort… the user has since been banned, but the post in itself was more straining on me because of the negative outlook and sheer selfishness that was merely a reflection of who i was than anything vulgar or obscene. and in the end it spoke to me.

i now have the desire to spread onto others happy things, before i didn’t it was only about me and what i wanted. this post that i read pretty much expressed what were my own views on the life game. when looked at cut and dry makes much sense. but from my own far beyond anything i could have hoped for experience has taught me that we have a choice as to how we tread our life path.

it is NOT controlled by our ‘hardwiring’ i.e choose a mate with high resources, spread your seed as far and as wide as you can with the most physically attractive pairing… leaves no room in the eqaution that we really can choose to embrace our nurturing and protective sides as males. i understand this very well as i had all but lost this will to help others and be a happy human being… just being. oh and just if your wondering i’m not on any drugs right now lol. (caffiene and nicotine excepted)

i now have this will, though i will say i am a long way from being ‘there’. and actually being able to express this ‘other side’as much as i would like, but this doesn’t mean it hasn’t been worth it so far… i have indicators that i’m moving in the right direction. like i ring my mom now and before we hardly ever spoke and i find it comforting to hear her voice… i can’t remember the last time i felt that. probably because i couldn’t let go of my pent up negative emotions directed that way that where holding me back from enjoying something greater.

the result of my life so far, broke, no real job, live in tiny room in a shared house (and i mean tiny), no support network of freinds no real familial contact, big debt. happy to be born for the first time in a very very long time in my oh so short life. were as before i always thought that if i had a choice to being born i would have chose the other road, because i couldn’t see a point. now i know theres no real point or rather the point of being alive is being alive.
I feel like i’m moving more towards the state of a child. a more freer individual… the odds are not stacked against me, i’ve read and duly sympathise with ‘niether gain nor loss can touch my shadow, we are all children of divinity’.

if this was the only way i’ve changed that in itself i find to be very significant, i’m being rewired so to speak too. my emotional state is less one of great burden, more look to the present moment and to the future.

i’m scared about changing, it’s scary, but at the same time i want to. scared of the emotions i could feel, or be brought up. things are changing fast, but in a good way.

from all this catloging i came to a realisation as to how much my life has actually changed from being delightfully dropped on this path, actually my life was changed in a mere moment.

TO BE RESUMED… a hell of a lot more i want to get down. fin (for now) 03:01am 3rd mar 12